Going Back
by Pureblood Mask
Summary: He's a lonely and bitter man, and every child who has attended Hogwarts can testify to it. But in all honesty, who wouldn't be, after losing the one they love? After all these years, Severus Snape is finally going to think about Lily Evans again - he's going back to her, just for her.


A/N: A short, angsty fic about Snape. HP doesn't belong to me.

The park is deserted; no one goes there anymore. Did you know, Lily? The park remains standing simply for you. Do you know that there are petunias planted on the very grass that we used to talk on? Nobody but you would have been kind enough to give that muggle a chance. Did you know Lily, my flower, that the swings are now old and dusty; the seats rusting; the metal on my hand cold and unburning? Have you learnt, Lily? Did you know?

I have cleaned the swing's seats now, Lily, the very seat you used to sit on. I have grown new flowers, lilies, right next to the petunias, all together in one field – all together – as I'm sure was your wish.

I couldn't bear to think of you. I'd lost you. I was bitter. But the bitterness extended only so far as _you_ yourself. I did not mind the old memories of the park where you once sat. No, I _relished_ it. Why? Because if I couldn't have you – if you wouldn't be mine – I would make sure that I had you in my memories. I couldn't think of you, together with that nasty man, holding your arms, holding your child. I couldn't, I wouldn't; I would never be able to bear it! So instead, I thought of this park. Your home. Your mother and father, who became mine, as well. I thought of all the things about you except you yourself, what I had with you that Potter didn't.

I took from the closet the very same clothes that you had once given me, upon inspecting my robes, and upon deeming them "unworthy" of such a good boy, your mum had given me some of your dad's own. And what did I feel? I'll tell you, Lily, I'll tell you. I felt ashamed. Downright ashamed that such a good woman as your mother had given me out of the need of charity. But I didn't realize; she wasn't trying to shame me. She was trying to be kind, be my mother in place of my own unfitting one. She thought I would appreciate the clothing, be glad of my own items for once, instead of having jealousy get to my head, which had already driven me far enough down the road, only to crash in a halt, and where the Dark Lord had squeezed me tight. But she insisted, that day, that I keep the clothes. I swore that I would throw it away as soon as your mum forgot about them, but by then I was close to her, and I forgot my promise as well. And I kept them.

So today, Lily, today – today I wear these clothes, these small clothes that do not fit me anymore. I have the muggle radio that you always had liked to hear next to me, and I'm sitting in the park, on your swing, and I'm crying, Lily, and I'm shedding my tears. I am getting rid of this flow of waterworks that was always within me, always threatening to tear out upon the mention of you, of your works, or your son. Today – today, I let it all out. I had to, Lily.

Today, I'm thinking of you.

I've brought back to my mind the words I'd said to you, and I've spoken them again, wearing the same clothes as when I've first spoken them. But now, this moment, I'm on the swing, and I'm flying, and I'm leaping, and I'm hopping across mountains, soaring over the sky, acting like I did all those years before with you, Lily, before I became a cold and bitter man. I'm off now, I'm headed into a new but old place, and the radio's getting fainter, a little wind of time is starting to whip my pants and sleeves and make my eyes smart. So let the tears come! The swing is gathering speed. I'm going back, I'm heading to Lily again, I'm remembering her again!

I remember now her smile, her red hair, faint but fiery, a magnificent red. Her eyes, brilliant green eyes, a color only able to be described as "brilliant." Her eyes, her nose, her mouth, every significant and insignificant feature of her, I could describe in articulate detail. I'm going back, Lily, I'm going back.

I'm going back to you, just for you.

A/N: Please tell me if you think the rating should be changed.


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